I am on another month of break from IVF treatment. I really needed some more time to prepare myself. So I have resumed my yoga practice. I am also taking few Ayurvedic massages.
And the most important part - regaining the psychological strength. Or creating more psychological strength. Because IVF does require loads and loads of strength, much more than I had anticipated.
Earlier I was primarily afraid only of the injections. But now I am grappling with the sense of failure. I just can't let go of the fact that there must be some issue with my body or mind that has not allowed IVF to succeed so far. Maybe my weight is not proper. Maybe I was stressed and was not in the "positive" state of mind as advised by any and everybody. Maybe I could have taken a complete break from work. Or maybe I could have totally absorbed myself with work so that I was not stressed about the ongoing treatment and results. After all, it is only me out there. Since we have researched and chosen the best doctor and centre, the result is now dependent on my physical and psychological capability. Right ?
The optimists may dispute my point. They would say that give your best and leave the rest to destiny. But let me tell all the damn optimists out there - had we(the IVFers) blindly believed in destiny, we would not have gone down this road. We challenge destiny and put ourselves in line of fire. So each failure is death. But every time we have to be born again and ready ourselves for the next round of fire. Deliberately. With full awareness of the challenge.
So maybe I should not try to fight this feeling of failure. In this journey, there are bound to be moments of despair, of hopelessness. I should not berate myself for feeling that way.
I should just accept all my feelings.
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