Welcome Baby!

Dear Baby,

This is my first letter to you.

Hope you like your new home and are nestled comfortably inside me. I think I see a faint smile on your baby lips! And you should see the broad smile on my mommy lips!

So often I have dreamed of this day. Even struggled to reach here. Few times I was almost on the brink of giving up the struggle to reach you. But then, I guess you pulled me on. I could almost feel the touch of your soft skin. And got the strength to carry on this journey.

So, here we are. Both of us. Together.

Rest my baby. And keep growing up.

I have not written for several months now. In fact I think that my last blog post was about a year ago.
A lot happened during this time.
And the most significant thing is that after a lot of delays and repeated cancellations, I had my 3rd IVF cycle in the month of September. 

And today, on October 28, 2014, I am in the 8th week of my pregnancy !!

Finally, it has happened. I have conceived and Our baby is growing up happily inside me. The baby's little heart has started beating! I could just die of happiness at this very moment.

Sometimes it seems so surreal, given the path I have travelled so far.  I am afraid to share the news, afraid to celebrate. Although I now have a glimpse of my family, the family I have helped create. I guess it would take some more time for this happiness to really sink in.
Along with happiness, I have another feeling. The feeling of pride at my courage to face this third cycle. At one point in time, early this year, I had debated whether the body and mind can bear another cycle. I had debated whether this physical and emotional suffering was worth it. Somehow I carried on. And when the cycle actually started, I went into this zone where I was not concerned about anything or anybody else. I was just carrying myself forward, one day at a time.

And here I have arrived, simultaneously afraid and happy. One moment I can easily visualize playing with our baby and the other moment I am anxious about carrying and delivering the baby. But I guess this state of confusion and fear would be there in several women. More so in women who have struggled to reach this point.

So, with prayer in my heart, I carry on.

Alternate therapies during IVF

During past few weeks, I have been feeling very very low. The main reason was the failure of previous IVF cycles and the various physical ailments experienced during the process. It felt as if my body was responding negatively to the treatment. If that was the case, then how would I face the next cycle? I feared that my body just can not cope up with all this aggressive treatment. 

I was in a very bad state.

I was desperately trying to come out of that dark place. I was also desperately praying for some help. During one of my long Internet browsing sessions, I came across a centre specialising in Ayurvedic massage treatments. I booked an appointment with the doctor and also a massage session for myself and DH. The doctor was a lady of very few words but confident about her treatments. She recommended a 14 day massage therapy and few medicines. 

Around the same time my fertility clinic launched a set of services like reflexology, massage therapies and fertility counselling. Since my DH talked about my negative moods with the gynaecologist, she insisted that I meet the alternate therapist and undergo some sessions. 

So, I have undergone few Ayurvedic massage sessions, a reflexology session and also a counselling sessions. I am enrolled to undergo few more sessions before the next IVF cycle.

I wanted to ask my fellow IVFers about these alternate therapies. Have any of you ever enrolled for these and experienced any benefits? Not the short term, feel-good of a massage session but long lasting physical and psychological benefits? Do you feel that these therapies have really helped in the fertility journey or its outcome?

I really want to know. Is it worth spending so much time and money on these therapies? IVF itself is leaving us financially strained. And these therapies are also very expensive. On the other hand, I want to do everything to prepare myself for the next cycle. I do not want to spare any effort, or money.

So, ladies, do let me know your views.

Surviving and Succeeding IVF

I am on another month of break from IVF treatment. I really needed some more time to prepare myself. So I have resumed my yoga practice. I am also taking few Ayurvedic massages.

And the most important part - regaining the psychological strength. Or creating more psychological strength. Because IVF does require loads and loads of strength, much more than I had anticipated.

Earlier I was primarily afraid only of the injections. But now I am grappling with  the sense of failure. I just can't let go of the fact that there must be some issue with my body or mind that has not allowed IVF to succeed so far. Maybe my weight is not proper. Maybe I was stressed and was not in the "positive" state of mind as advised by any and everybody. Maybe I could have taken a complete break from work. Or maybe I could have totally absorbed myself with work so that I was not stressed about the ongoing treatment and results.  After all, it is only me out there. Since we have researched and chosen the best doctor and centre, the result is now dependent on my physical and psychological capability. Right ?

The optimists may dispute my point. They would say that give your best and leave the rest to destiny. But let me tell all the damn optimists out there - had we(the IVFers) blindly believed in destiny, we would not have gone down this road. We challenge destiny and put ourselves in line of fire. So each failure is death. But every time we have to be born again and ready ourselves for the next round of fire. Deliberately. With full awareness of the challenge.

So maybe I should not try to fight this feeling of failure. In this journey, there are bound to be moments of despair, of hopelessness. I should not berate myself for feeling that way. 

I should just accept all my feelings.

Dilemma..........

I am scheduled to start my third IVF cycle tomorrow. And I think this would be our last attempt at IVF. 

But I am in dilemma - to go ahead tomorrow or wait for another month ? Since this would be our final attempt, I want to be in the best possible physical and emotional state. But with the clock ticking, as repeatedly indicated by the fertility specialist, I do not have the luxury to spend time on preparation. 

To make matters more complicated, DH is scheduled for an official trip next month. So in case we decide to undergo treatment next month, DH would not be present during egg retrieval and embryo transfer - basically he would be absent during the most crucial period. So we may opt for treatment in the month of December - a delay of two months. And considering that having a baby is all I can think about, you can bet your bottom dollar that I would go mad during such a long break. 

So what to do? I am not ready to start the cycle tomorrow, DH would not be at home next month and the following month is very very far off? 

Life sucks. This infertility has completely taken over my life. Everything else has stopped. Or become immaterial. I can't go ahead and I can't go back. And I would soon run out of time. 

I wish we had not started this IVF treatment at all. 

Marriage and children

Yesterday An acquaintance of mine said that after few years of marriage, the spouses talk more with children and less with each other. I was about to blurt out "but what about couples who don't have kids?" Fortunately I kept my mouth shut.

But I have been thinking about that comment.  About how my marriage has changed over the years, where we stand as a couple now and what would the future be. 

In the initial few years, we used to love each other passionately. And of course used to fight with equal passion. Sometimes we used to get nasty, but that was always short lived. And making up after each fight was divine. It felt as if our relationship used to be born again - fresh, rejuvenated, passionate, happy and totally content with each other.  

 Now we rarely fight. But there is always this simmering undercurrent of irritation, with each other or maybe with life in general. It is the mother of all cold wars. 

Is it because our relationship has not yet progressed to the next natural level of creating and nurturing children? Is it because we are still a "couple" and not really a "family"? I take that as a probable reason because I know we love each other.  So, why despite there being love in our hearts, the loving and caring has been replaced by indifference or irritation?

Or was the indifference always there and I just failed to notice it ? It is that my struggles with fertility has made me so needy of affection that lack of same disturbs me so much? 

I don't know the reason. What I want to know is how to stop look for any support, gather my own strength and move on. 

Both of us want a baby. And we may no longer feel the love towards each other but I know both of us would madly love our baby. 

Why IVF sucks

Why IVF Sucks

Before starting the first IVF cycles, I read about the treatment protocols - investigative ultrasounds, injections, egg pick ups, transfers etc. I thought I knew all about how the cycle would proceed and what I should expect at various stages. I thought, given my fear of needles, all I had to worry about were the various injections. How naive I was! 

I am wiser now. The painful injections are just small irritants in the IVF universe.  The real shit are things I never imagined:

1. My body has a new cover now. It is called body hair. Don't gasp yet.  Wait till I add facial hair to the mix! 

2. This new body cover has another companion. It is called acne. And it is gross. In my teenage years, I was never able to understand the fuss my peers made about their acne. Now I know. Now I seek forgiveness for my lack of empathy.  

3. I try to befriend the hairy, acne covered stranger who stares back from the mirror. But, wait a minute. What is with the sudden outburst of tears? Why does the stranger looks like the world has just turned upside down? Why is this stranger in such a low emotional state? 

4. Every time I enter the ultrasound room for the TVS or the OT for the transfers, I have this feeling at the bottom of my stomach - well I tried my best to describe that but can not put it in words. How do you describe what you feel when you are on display, under the strongest of focussed lights? I know baby making involves undressing. I would have gladly done that in my bedroom with the man I love. Not with a technician holding the magic wand and his supporters ready to do their bit. 

5. By the way, did I mention undressing? For making love? Well, the DH carries out the u dressing duties. But only to give the hormonal shot.

6. My know-it-all and able-to-everything DH has suddenly become this inept creature who just doesn't know what to do - about my mood swings, about my sore bottom and about  my aching heart. He just sits there helpless. And then retreats into his shell. 

7. I know that I should relax, especially during the 2 ww. But I can't. All I can think of are two words - BFP and BFN.

So. here I am. with my newly-acquired about IVF. I wish that I do not get anything more 

to add to this list.